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Second Marriages: PAPERCITY PROMOTION A fter a divorce, your relationship with your former spouse may be very fragile, particularly if you are sharing parenting duties. Adding a new relationship to the mix can send a precarious situation over the edge in a hurry. Jealousy, however irrational, often causes a former partner to suddenly become uncooperative when it's time to discuss pick-up arrangements or vacation schedules. You may worry about what's happening behind your back. And the situation often gets much worse when your new relationship turns serious. So, if you are getting remarried, how can you protect your children and maintain a functional relationship with your ex? "Every situation is different, of course, but we can offer some suggestions based on the successes — and failures — we've seen in our law practice," says Britney Harrison, an attorney and partner with the family law firm of Calabrese Budner. Make Sure Your Children Understand What is Happening Just as children can be confused about what's going on during the divorce process, they can also misunderstand the situation when you remarry. They may feel like you are trying to replace their other parent. Or if your new partner has kids, the children from your earlier relationship may feel that they are the ones being replaced. You need to make sure your children understand that while your new marriage may add people to their lives, it will not take away any relationships. Reassure them they will always be your children, and you will HOW TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND DEAL WITH YOUR EX do nothing to diminish their relationship with your former partner. Reinforce that message by remaining positive any time you refer to your ex — even if you have to exercise your best acting skills to do so. For example: "Attending parent-teacher conferences together, if possible, can show a united front and demonstrate to your child the joint commitment to their education," Harrison says. Protect Your Children with a Marital Agreement Both practically and symbolically, a pre- or postnuptial agreement offers an effective way to protect the interests of your children when you remarry. You can specify that your children will receive certain legacy property, preserving their position in the family. A prenuptial agreement can prevent children from being left out of a future inheritance or losing heirloom property in a divorce. Schedule Co-Parenting Communications with Your Ex Establishing regular times of communication can help when dealing not only with a former spouse but also with your children. With your former partner, scheduling a weekly call, email, or text at a regular time provides a structured opportunity to address ongoing concerns as well as special issues that arise. When a call or message is expected, it's less likely to come across as a threat or accusation and less likely to provoke a defensive response. Keep the conversation centered around the needs and well-being of your children. Avoid dragging personal issues or conflicts into discussions about parenting. Focus on finding common ground and working together as co-parents. "Some couples find it helpful to have a family law attorney draw up an agreement establishing boundaries for communications," Harrison says. Establishing regular times of communication can help when dealing not only with a former spouse but also with your children. 62